Hey, why can’t anyone draw Luke Skywalker’s goddamn face right?
That’s right, I said it–we, as a society, are failing in our duty to accurately and non-terrifyingly render the face of Luke Skywalker, Perfect Space Boy, and the madness must end. Today, I would like to hold the world’s artists accountable by listing off in no particular order some comic book illustrations of Luke Skywalker I found on the internet, along with constructive commentary and suggestions for improvement.
(JJ Abrams, if you’re out there: these listicles and fluff pieces will continue as long as you deprive us of real, meaty Rise of Skywalker leaks. Don’t make me follow through on my ongoing threat to make drunken RiffTrax of the Holiday Special. I’ll do it, I swear to God)
This one is….close. It’s just off enough to be unnerving, though. Maybe it’s the hair? It’s like each side of his face is Mark Hamill’s face, but if you put them together it’s…not him. However, I am a big fan of Sassy Vader in the lower panel. Let’s give this one a 7 out of 10.
Who He Actually Looks Like: A bland ‘90s film actor your mom always recognizes, but you keep getting him confused with Kevin Costner or something.
I think the problem with most of these is illustrators getting stuck on one defining unusual feature of Mark Hamill’s face, and then building the rest of the drawing around it. In this case, someone evidently really noticed that Mark Hamill has slightly fuller-than-normal lips, and decided to give him the full Real Housewives treatment. However, they also managed to get the chin and jawline right, and did a surprisingly good job with the nose, so I’ll grant this a 6 out of 10.
Who He Actually Looks Like: A YouTube beauty guru doing an elaborate “Mark Hamill” lookalike tutorial
You’re also no Mark Hamill, you sweaty (?) impostor. What’s going on with the nose here? Also, somehow Luke’s “adorable boyish 80s shag” haircut has turned into a “lady selling jewelry on QVC” haircut. No thank you. 4 out of 10.
Who He Actually Looks Like: Kinda Eddie Izzard
Now this is just silly. Who is this frowny musclebound hunk with a very badly foreshortened right hand? This is not my sweet boy, Luke Skywalker. This is a mean 45-year-old businessman with a drinking problem. 3 out of 10.
Who He Actually Looks Like: The embodiment of your father’s disapproval; also sorta Timothy Dalton
A series of important questions: Why are the eyes so tiny? Why is his face shaped like a big loaf of bread? Why are his eyebrows black? Is this further evidence that Luke isn’t a natural blonde? Does Luke Skywalker use Sun-In? Anyway, not good, but points for the haircut. Very tousle-y. 3 out of 10.
Who He Actually Looks Like: The love child of Zac Efron and John Travolta
This one makes me bonkers uncomfortable. Is this one of those “Paul is Dead” type things, where they replaced Luke Skywalker with a guy who sort of looks like Luke Skywalker, and then gave him plastic surgery to make up the difference? The basic outline is the same, but it’s clearly a different man, probably Matt Damon. The more I look at this one the more I hate it. 1 out of 10.
Who He Actually Looks Like: I mean, Matt Damon. This one is low-hanging fruit.
Oh hey! Alright! Now we’re getting somewhere! Look at this Bishounen motherfucker. All blonde and boyish and somewhat vacant-eyed but it’s okay because look at that sick cloak he’s wearing! I am a big fan of this one. However, I have to give it a few points’ demerit, because, again, those are some unfocused-ass doll’s eyes and the more I look at them the weirder I feel. Still, 8 out of 10.
Who He Actually Looks Like: Mark Hamill, technically
AAAAHHH!!! NO!!! This isn’t even a Luke-alike, this thing ate Luke and is wearing his skin!! Look at the sheer malice in those eyes! The sinister Jack Nicholson eyebrows! The frighteningly long neck, which gives the impression of stretching upwards before our very eyes! Even Han looks uncomfortable. 1 out of 10. 0 out of 10. Negative 10 out of 10. I regret doing this entire article. JJ, why did you make me do this? Why did you drive me, Fantine-like, to this desperate and degrading fate? All I wanted was content to feed my starving reader base, monsieur!
Who He Actually Looks Like: No human being has ever looked like this.
Who He Actually Looks Like: One very specific shot of Luke in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon in A New Hope, doesn’t he?
Awwww yeah, this is what I’m talking about. Does this technically look the most like Mark Hamill as Luke Skywalker? I mean, no, that honor goes to the one directly traced from Mark Hamill’s actual face, but it’s captured the spirit of Luke Skywalker in the way no precise tracing could. The baby face, the androgynous haircut, the general “human puppy” vibe, all works so much better for the character than any attempt to render a hyper-realistic version of the man himself. It’s like the animation in the Don Bluth Anastasia movie, that’s so technically realistic that it actually ends up looking completely soulless and dead behind the eyes, versus more stylized animation that somehow actually looks MORE like real people, and also doesn’t draw heavy criticism from the Russian Orthodox Church for its depiction of Russian history. Would the Russian Orthodox Church approve of this version of Luke Skywalker? You bet your ass it would. Probably. 10 out of 10.
Who He Actually Looks Like: The Luke Skywalker I hold in my heart always.
(Seriously, though, JJ. Throw us a bone. This is not a sustainable model for journalism.)